Well, as usual, it's been a long time since I have added anything to this blog. Lots of good intentions but, well, life happens.
Recently I have been thinking a lot about this thing called "happiness". Not too long ago there was a discussion in one of the Crohns groups I am in, about stress and its effects on Crohns, and one thing that came up was the shit that life throws at you. So I shared several things that have landed in my life over the years. And trust me, I could write a couple epic novels over some of this crap. One woman who kind of knows me through the group said, "Yeah, but you always seem so happy?!" As if somehow having Crohns and having curve balls thrown at me negates my right to be happy. That really pissed me off, then it hurt my feelings, then it pissed me off some more. Crohns does not preclude my right for happiness. Neither does divorce or house fires, or jobs lost, or any other of the multitude of craziness that seems to pop up.
So I reflected back on some conversations over the last several years, and it seems to be the running theme. It really surprises some people that I am happy once they know I deal with a chronic illness every day. They even distrust my genuineness.
For me, happiness is not tied to tangible things. I truly believe its a state of mind. I haven't always been a happy person. Some days I feel less happy and more grumpy. But the reality is, I have this one life. How I CHOOSE to be is how I WILL be. I choose to be happy. Even if it's just an outward expression in one moment like a smile or a kind deed, it's infectious. Don't feel like smiling? Do it anyway. Want to rail at the world and throw things. Okay, do that too. But then smile at some random person or hold the door or just say"Have a great day!". Because whether you believe it or not, most of the time if you make the effort, it effects those around you and suddenly you feel lighter. Like a small piece of the walls we all build around us, cracked just a bit, and let the warm light in and we can breathe.
Now, I am not talking about those who deal with clinical depression. That is a different matter. I mean, people like me, who live daily lives the best way they can.
Do I have bad days? Oh, Lord, yes. Have I had my heart broken? Absolutely. Are there moments I wish I had no problems to work through? Duh.
But that is not the reality. Life is hard, sometimes it throws shit right at the fan pointed in your direction. Even several handfuls at once. Some people think things like a perfect house, a perfect job, perfect children, perfect hair etc etc etc are what GIVES you happiness. But, things do not make you happy. People and attitude do. Happiness is a state of mind. I am happy when I hurt, because I am alive to feel pain. I am happy when I lose a friend because I know I have a plethora of people to support me and love me. I am happy when I am struggling to find a job. Because I know I have had good ones in the past and there will be one in my future. Every single moment in my life, good AND bad, continues to lead me in the direction I need to go. And I am happy.
Truthfully, I think sometimes people who struggle and who find genuine happiness, are the ones who appreciate it the most. I hold my happiness deep in my heart and protect and treasure it. Because I fight for it. I fight for it every single moment of every single day. Each day when I wake up and I hurt so badly it takes a good hour before I can move comfortably, I am happy. Not because I have things. Although truthfully, a hot cup of coffee helps a lot. But because I woke up. In my home, next to my amazing husband, knowing my beautiful family is probably getting moving as well. I see pictures my grandson drew for me, and my heart does a little happy hop knowing that I am loved by the best little boy in the world. Who IS the best little boy in the world, because my own child is his mother.
Now, don't get me wrong, I like having things. Who doesn't? I just no longer connect my personal happiness with the things I own. I connect it with the things that make me feel alive. Like sharing a quarter with an old man who was short a few cents at the store, or chatting up the lady behind me at the pet store who bought the cutest little dog toy for her new puppy. She smiled, I smiled we told each other to have a great day. And it brought a small drop of happiness to both of us.
The truth of the matter is, we will never know what happiness really is if we wait for it to happen. We have to get it. We have to go out and grab it with both hands. And share it. Share with anyone you can. Because nobody really knows what is going on in someones life. One small drop of the light of happiness could mean everything for someone.
This might sound trite, or simplistic. But in my years of living with more crap that I have time or the inclination to type, the one constant is making myself see the positive in every situation I can. And working to be a happy person to others. I want to be remembered when I am long gone as someone who was happy and who made others happy.
So, to that person who seems to think that happiness is not achievable by people with a chronic illness. I am truly sorry that you feel that way. You're life must be so dark and cold. Lets talk and I promise, I will find a way to make you smile. And when you smile, I hope a small drop of happiness leaks into your heart and mind. Enough to take root and show you the meaning of really, really being happy.
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